ponder

_{23/02 01:32: Suicide and the absurd nature of life itself..

for this, i'd like to refer u to exurb1a's video "Absurdism/How to Party at the End of Meaning." - that video, along with the concept of absurdism itself helped me through some dark thoughts.

Camus, in his work 'the myth of sysiphus' set out to answer why one would commit suicide. Not the individual reason like mobbing or suicide. But instead why one would at all come to the conclusion of Suicide instead of anything else. When looking at our current situation, we are curious and hungry for knowledge and meaning in a world so cruel, inpredictable, apathetic, and absurd . We're born. We live. We die. Most likely without ever knowing what it was all for. In such a case, Camus saw only 3 options offered to us:

1. Refusing to play. aka ending ones life
2. A leap of Faith. aka placing faith or meaning in something. literally, ANYTHING. you could roll a dice for everything.
3. Absurdism. Full acceptance of the absurdness of life and the idea that we might never know anything.

when we break it down, all the responses Camus presents can be seen as ways of responding to the lack of inherent meaning. The core of the absurd condition, as Camus outlines, is the tension between our desire for meaning and the universe's indifference. So, really, his three points all fall under different ways of navigating that tension. 1.
Refusing to play is giving up the search for a meaning. In this senerio, life's meaninglessness is too overwhelming to confront, so one might choose to stop looking altogether. -> "why should i keep trying, keep suffering, if there is nothing i suffer for?" (these are thoughs i deal with til this day. And i believe most have at one time or another. Yet this conversation is not one we as a community like to discuss, or at least, we don't think of it. I feel like religion, philosophy and or place in life should be discussed more open and genuinly. Not this hush hush, we can't talk about that because we have differing opinions. Same with politics. How can we grow if we can only hear what we already are told to believe on repeat?). 2.A leap of faith is creating your own meaning in a world that seem to devoid of any. It's resisting the Absurd. You craft meaning in life, even if it's ultimately arbitrary. In a sense, this is Camus' "revolt" against the absurd: finding purpose and value in things because you choose to. This is anything from a god to a dice roll.
(imo this can be both a rebelion as well as fear. the only diffrence is if you're aware of the inherant lack of true meaning or if you cling to meaning wherever it comes from. exp.: rebellion to me would be someone that is fully aware of the missing meaning and creating his own through doing things they love, like art, music, finding connections. Fear, though some might feel disrespected by this, is blind trust in a god. I'm talking about those that don't question.) 3. Absurdism. Accepting that there might be no meaning. This is the most existentially challenging stance: simply accepting that the universe might have no inherent meaning and we may never know "what it's all for." This is pure absurdism, where we don't reject life, but also don't try to fit it into predefined structures of meaning.

Aka, giving up the search, creating meaning, or accepting there's no meaning

i used to be a nihilist but now..no..i can't say i'm a true absurdist either. I'm not stoic enough for that..i know i yearn for meaning, be it in the moment of joy, or a true goal. May it be my neurodivergent mind or my human nature. Yet, i also find solace in the thought that we all just..exist, noone truely wiser than the next person. At least when it comes to where we are and where we are going. and sometimes..i just enjoy the ride. Try to make it last. it's like you're caught between the desire for meaning and the peace in embracing the ride itself. I think there's something deeply human about yearning for purpose, for joy, or for something more.

i like living in a way that i don't seek out to end it but wouldn't regret anything if it did end right now - living fully, but without feeling the weight of constantly needing to "figure it all out" or chase after a grand, fixed purpose.

Albert Camus - 'The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.'

25/02 23:01: human value..

In today's world, human value is often measured by productivity - how much one can produce or contribute economically. This mindset can diminish the worth of those who are jobless, unable to work, or who cannot keep up with the pace of others. It reduces a person to their output. In many societies respect is often tied to one's earning power, with men frequently receiving higher regard due to their societal roles. You can see that in many shows, the newest being squid game. That's also what made me thing about this in the first place. How many instandly go running to those that look strongest and smartest. The weak, old, women, just being ignored as they are seen more as a burden than help. And it's in a way, understandable. Of course you want to make you're survival chances higher, but at the same time, i wonder if there are other things that give us value. Is it just..networth? or maybe strenght..maybe it's knowledge? but all have one in common. The connection we make that people are using them to net benefit everyone. That's why people don't like jobless couchsurfers. "Why is he not doing anything for the rest of us?"..or not...idk...i'm just a kid.

25/02 23:26: am i real?..

what is existence? what is 'am', 'being'. At times i'll stare at my wall, and everything looks off, my hands feel, like there not real. my reflexion looks fake. i know i'm in bed but i'm moving, everything is. constantly. My molecules are moving. If biology and the world is as school teaches, than i'm dying and rebuilding myself at a terrfyingly quick pace. And every single one of those cell dividings or whatever, could kill me. One thing needs to go wrong for cancer to develop. For it to all be over..isn't that insane? i understand why people are religious. It's not my cup of tea but it helps, i suppose. Having some ground in this terrifying unknown.

--/-- --:-- did humanity win?..(i have no mouth but i must scream)

cogito, ergo sum - i think, therefore i am.

It implies that while other knowledge could be a figment of imagination, deception, or mistake, the very act of doubting one's own existence served as proof of the reality of one's own mind.

in work.

31/03 06:44: how we treat dying

what is the point of death? you're brain stopping? you're heart? When you stop breathing? When you stop feeling? is a paralysed Person truly living or is their body already rotting? What about Alzheimers? At what point are you no longer you? Losing everything that ever made you, you. To me, that is the scariest way of dying. The slow kind. The ever present awareness that something is off. That something is not meant to be. Being aware but unable to change fate. I don't know which case is better..knowing or being ignorent to it. Expecially since nothing will change it.

one might say; but if i know how long i have left i can at least use it to spent my last months with everything i've ever wanted to do.- shut up

you can ALWAYS die. Any second. you don't get a counter. a date. a DEADLINE. A plane could crash into your house as you read this - do you regret reading this? Would you've considered this a waste of time if you died in a week? Why do we wait? Why do we regret? the future isn't garanteed. the past can't be changed. The now is changable, (if you don't believe in determinism). If you really want to do something, don't wait. If something embarrising happend, embrace it. Things happen. Nothing changes that afterwards.

i'm still trying to live by this myself, though, somethings are human. Mourning, is human. I'm not telling you not to mourn people. To forget the past because it's unchangable. No. Quite the opposite. Embrass it. Don't forget. Just, don't regret it. If you did what you wanted to do in the past, than don't regret it.

additionally: We are so used to saying "things will get better", but there is no garantee. We view Death as a kind of, Deadline. And, things will get better before than. Everywhere we are surrounded by people that have made it. We ae surrounded by the worldview of definite. "This year didn't go well, but next year will."- it's repeated, every, single, year.

you are not garanteed a happy ever after.}